Continued from Part II

I tried to believe that I had been given new life, that I could find freedom in my faith. But my history left me tangled in a web – driven by fear and shame, living inside a shell with a battle raging in my mind. The mind – scarred by injuries too dark for most people to even acknowledge.

This left me feeling alone. Lost in the shadows. I watched others grow and thrive. I watched as I fell deeper into the pit. A life spent gasping for air, struggling to hold on. This left me asking.

How many times have I cried out to you God? How many times have I asked you to take this cross from me? Why can’t I hear you? Why can’t I feel you? Are you even real? Why is the world so broken? What innocence is left in me? What can I ever become? When will you rescue me?

I keep searching for answers to my unanswered prayers. I am searching for meaning in what cannot make sense. I see the scars left behind and wonder if any of it means anything.

I was stuck in asking why.

Why was this my story? Why did my father choose this? Why did God let this happen? Why was I the target of so many men? I have come to peace with the fact that I may never understand or know the answers.

I no longer believe that an intellectual answer is what I need for healing. Now I believe that there is a soul within me worthy of the presence of God. My heart is affected by this. My mind finds peace here. This touches me and changes me in ways I may never understand, but that I do know.

I traveled the world trying to find meaning in my existence. I studied multiple religions testing the truths that I now believe. I dove into philosophy and psychology to make sense out of the dominion my mind seemed to have over my life. I sought counsel from people I trusted, I heard the truths that others believed. I don’t feel I lacked integrity in my search.

My search led to me to these truths. I now know that God wants me to doubt, to rage and to need. He understands why I question. Tainted by pain and darkness, I have had to fight to know that I am worthy of love. I have had to fight to experience joy or safety. I have struggled – enough for a lifetime – just to get up every day and keep fighting. The battle is long and requires a relentless pursuit of the truth.

I am not alone in this fight. My God will never leave me. The more I hold onto this truth, the more I let it permeate my mind – the more I feel hope. Hope that I can find freedom from the wounds that have crippled me. He walks beside me, in front of me, carries me and is always within reach. The freedom comes when I reach out my hand.

Love overcomes all evil. Good triumphs in the end. Everything has meaning. He is with me in every moment. He accepts me for who I am…no matter what I have done or what has been done to me. And He answers all questions with amazing love, perfect timing, and compassionate tenderness.

Our Contributing Authors
The Last Battle Blog aims to provide meaningful tools and information about the issue of sexual violation. We offer a way to express yourself, as you engage in your own personal awareness and share your strengths with others. Our goal is to cover a variety of topics, stories, ideas, and to create a blog that is beneficial and honoring to those who read it. Last Battle’s contributing authors help make this happen.

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