I tried to believe that I had been given new life, that I could find freedom in my faith. But my history left me tangled in a web – driven by fear and shame, living inside a shell with a battle raging in my mind. The mind – scarred by injuries too dark for most people to even acknowledge.
This left me feeling alone. Lost in the shadows. I watched others grow and thrive. I watched as I fell deeper into the pit. A life spent gasping for air, struggling to hold on. This left me asking.
How many times have I cried out to you God? How many times have I asked you to take this cross from me? Why can’t I hear you? Why can’t I feel you? Are you even real? Why is the world so broken? What innocence is left in me? What can I ever become? When will you rescue me?
I keep searching for answers to my unanswered prayers. I am searching for meaning in what cannot make sense. I see the scars left behind and wonder if any of it means anything.
I was stuck in asking why.
Why was this my story? Why did my father choose this? Why did God let this happen? Why was I the target of so many men? I have come to peace with the fact that I may never understand or know the answers.
I no longer believe that an intellectual answer is what I need for healing. Now I believe that there is a soul within me worthy of the presence of God. My heart is affected by this. My mind finds peace here. This touches me and changes me in ways I may never understand, but that I do know.
I traveled the world trying to find meaning in my existence. I studied multiple religions testing the truths that I now believe. I dove into philosophy and psychology to make sense out of the dominion my mind seemed to have over my life. I sought counsel from people I trusted, I heard the truths that others believed. I don’t feel I lacked integrity in my search.
My search led to me to these truths. I now know that God wants me to doubt, to rage and to need. He understands why I question. Tainted by pain and darkness, I have had to fight to know that I am worthy of love. I have had to fight to experience joy or safety. I have struggled – enough for a lifetime – just to get up every day and keep fighting. The battle is long and requires a relentless pursuit of the truth.
I am not alone in this fight. My God will never leave me. The more I hold onto this truth, the more I let it permeate my mind – the more I feel hope. Hope that I can find freedom from the wounds that have crippled me. He walks beside me, in front of me, carries me and is always within reach. The freedom comes when I reach out my hand.
Love overcomes all evil. Good triumphs in the end. Everything has meaning. He is with me in every moment. He accepts me for who I am…no matter what I have done or what has been done to me. And He answers all questions with amazing love, perfect timing, and compassionate tenderness.
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